I have written a lot about socialisation. In one of these texts I quoted the American psychologist Lawrence Shapiro:
"Some children seem to be socially adept from birth, while others struggle with various challenges of social acceptance. Some children make friends easily; others are loners. Some children have self-control, and others have quick tempers. Some are natural leaders, while others are withdrawn."
When I was at school as a child, I was one of the kids who kept to themselves. I remember a lecture during my PhD study, when the professor said to us, students, how good it is that teachers in schools nowadays are trying to include all children, even those who seem to have problems socialising with other children. At that momemnt I thought to myself: thank God, it was not like that in my school days. My teachers didn't bother with me being alone; I liked to be on my own. And I still like to be alone, even though I am very communicative, approachable and even too chatty. But I like being alone.
I think that nowadays parents and teachers worry too much if the child doesn't really want to socialise and it wants to be alone instead. Most of the time, if a child wants to be alone, there is a reason for it. If the child is experiencing hardship, adults should intervene. But often an inclination to be alone or is purely and simply a character trait. Yes, some people just like to be alone. They prefer to be alone, rather than in company.
Should we perceive the need to be alone rather than with other people as problematic? When should the inclination to be alone be perceived as a pathology? Similarly, we might likewise be questioning the need to be constantly in the company of other people rather than being alone. When does the need to be constantly socialy engaged become an escape from one's own thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations? Isn't this also a pathology?
I think that our society is pathological in its own way, with its obsession for socialising, for having a lot of friends, for having fun, for enjoyment. We do everything to distract ourselves and to avoid having to look ourselves in the eyes. We are preoccupied with other people, with what they are like, what they are doing wrong, what they should be doing, etc. In reality, everyone should be looking into themselves, into their own inner world (made of thoughts, emotions and feelings), dealing with their relationships, taking care of their family. When you realise how imperfect you really are, when you realise that these imperfections are not your fault, because it is the nature of life to be imperfect, you also realise that, paradoxically, it is your responsibility to become the best version of yourself. This is, I think, the essential characteristic of 'being Human'. Then you become sensitive to yourself. And you become sensitive to others. But this process requires courage as well as an honest attitude and time for yourself, with yourself. Being alone.
Children today have very few opportunities to be alone, in their own private space. They are part of some group all the time - in kindergartens, schools, activities. They are rarely alone, in their own private space. Therefore, as adults, most of them will not know how to be alone, they will not feel themselves as separate, individual beings. They will not know who they are, where they are going and why they are in this world.
I have to add the following. I am writing in general, about a collective trend. Please, do not take what I have written personally. Your situation has its own laws that make it what it is.
Mateja de Laat